NOTE TO ANYONE who feels they are being described here:

From my experience with loss and TTC, the best thing you can do for a TTCer is: 

Listen with a sympathetic ear and maybe a hug.

Simple! That's it, really, that is it!

Mama Kath

Send me those's good therapy! 

  • For mothers who are older when they conceive and to have people say, "no way at this age" or "why did you wait so long " or to calculate your age when the baby is in elementary, middle and high school. Some people have babies later in life due to a number of reasons. Its hurtful to hear, "you are too old to think about having a baby." 
  •  Mama Kath, I think the WORST is the innocent person calling to chat that says "So are you pregnant yet?"  I, of course, say "No" and then they proceed to tell me about how they just found out that THEY just got pregnant (on the pill no doubt) and they didn't even try (go figure - it just "happened" - lucky them) and then they tell me what made it possible for them and how they are going to buy it for me.  How about, NO!!!! 
  • How about the helpful friend who says: I'll loan you my husband he just looked at me and I was pregnant!
  • From the well meaning, but nonetheless annoying sister in law, who is 8 1/2 months pregnant with her 2nd child: "Just stop trying" 
  • I love the people who say "Just relax and give it time, it will happen." You will hear this from:  a pregnant woman, someone with children, or a guy!
  • "Just have lots of sex, then you can't go wrong!" By brother-in-law the other day, Mr. Know-it-all.  I hate that comment. 
  • I hate it when my husband's family says "Aren't you all ever going to have children.  You're not getting any younger you know!!"
  • If I hear "you're trying to hard" one more time I am going to scream!!
  • Don't forget the always helpful hint: "You're trying to hard, just relax!"
  • My favorite so far is "No kids yet, huh? Oh, I guess you don't want kids?"
  • How about, "There's always adoption." Okay, why don't YOU go take someone else's baby.
  • I hate the annoying comment of: So, you pregnant yet? Nothing still? Man, your birth control pill must have been really effective!
  • I just had someone say to me the other day, "I wish I could give you some of my fertility. My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant." It just doesn't seem fair. I'm sure she meant well, but it felt like another twist of the old knife in the back.
  • How about the friend who tells you to stop all those tests and putting your body through that with the meds and all. It'll happen if you stop thinking about it and stop trying so hard!
  • The one that always got to me was: Maybe you should be thankful for the one you do have..this might be God's way of letting you know you will only have one. ARGH!
  • From the well meaning, but nonetheless annoying sister in law, who is 8 1/2 months pregnant with her 2nd child: "Just stop trying" 
  • Hi ya! I have been TTC for 9 mos for #2 . I'm 34, I have had 2 chem pregs and a miscarriage this year (all in a row).
  • I'm an atheist. My friends know this. And yet, a very religious friend of mine says these things (of course - she's in her 20s.. and had no problem conceiving #2, which is due soon):
  • Be patient. God moves in mysterious ways.
  • Things happen for a reason. God is testing you. ARRRRGH!!!
  • Thanks for letting me unburden these. The woman at my company lunchroom cash register: "You have kids? No, but we want to....Well, what are you waiting for?" AAAARGHHHH!
  • "You better have another soon before it's too late," I don't need anymore comments from the peanut gallery.
  • Just had to tell you about the worst comment I've had - it was from my mother who informed me that I wouldn't have any trouble conceiving since she got pregnant as soon as she stopped contraception. Two years later we're still trying....
  • I have the sister-in-law who wouln't tell me she was pregnant with her fourth child (she had to wait until my husband got on the phone) because she didn't want to "hurt" my feelings.  The "pity" thing is really getting to me!
  • Went to dinner w/three other couples - two are pregnant and started trying after we did. I had recently had a miscarriage and was already having a hard time seeing them knowing they were still pregnant.  We had two tables pushed together and the way it worked out the two couples that were preg. were at one table and we were at the other table. Well, the one girl kept calling their table the "special" table because they were both preg and couldn't drink alcohol. I wanted to just go in the bathroom and cry!!!!
  • My sister, who was 16 when she had her son and 20 when she had her daughter, has commented that it's looking like she's going to have the first twins in the family too unless I step on it. My baby sister, who at 14 is 10 years younger than me, is now the subject of my torment.  The new family joke is that she will beat my husband and I to kids too.  It's a little annoying being the family joke and under everyone's microscope. They all like trying to figure out what could be wrong with us.
  • After having had a less than ideal childhood (understatement) I sometimes feel sorry for myself because 19 months later I am still not pregnant.  I sometimes say "It is not fair" and someone who has children and/or grandchildren who hardly took any time at all to conceive says "Life is not fair. There are people worse off than you." Well, I do that so now I feel miserable for not being pregnant and guilty for feeling miserable.
  • The absolute worst comment is " Well, you must not be ready for children or God would have made you pregnant" Yeah, like that crack addicted, AIDS infected pregnant woman they did a story on last week was ready!
  • After a miscarriage of a dearly wanted baby: There was obviously something wrong with it - besides you weren't far enough along to become emotionally attached...
  • A newly pregnant friend (who didn't plan the baby and has an "interesting" relationship with her boyfriend) told me to "hurry up and get pregnant so we can be pregnant together!" Her baby is now 6 months old, and I'm still trying to "hurry up" by the time she "accidentally" has her second! 
  • A coworker/friend who's pg insisted that I see her ultrasound pictures, although she knows we are still ttc after 18 months.
  • This is from the doctor and nurse who did my HSG, WHILE the tube was inside me and we were all looking at the screen.
  • "Well, this was never a problem for me." (Doctor) "No it certainly wasn't." (Nurse)...they both giggle... "You should see his huge family." (Nurse)
  • This is from my Dad (I am the oldest of five children) - he is a doctor -"Well, I don't know what to tell you. I obviously never had that problem!"
  • If I hear "stop trying so hard" or "at least the miscarriage happened early, there was probably something wrong" or "it'll happen when its meant to happen" or "God will bless you when he thinks its the right time" I will absolutely go insane! Does God WANT crack addicted women having crack addicted babies who suffer? I don't think so!
  • I went to a conference with two coworkers who couldn't stop pointing out all the cute babies everywhere. At the airport on the way home they saw a woman with a baby and started talking to her. She said (loudly, of course): "This is our fifth! You would think we would know how to avoid this after all this time. There were SO many tears when we found out we were having ANOTHER one." Excuse me, I think I'M the expert on tears around here!
  • I have been trying to have another baby for 17 months now. My sister in law who tried and was succesful after 1 month insist on telling me to "relax, stop trying it will happen" I was really hurt when my mother in law burst into my house one Saturday afternoon to tell me the "good news" that my sis in law was pregnant!! "Isn't that wonderful?" Don't get me wrong...I am happy I will be an Aunt again, but I was hurt by the way my mother in law didn't take my feelings into consideration.
  • From idiotic family members:  "You and your husband just need a romantic weekend away--that'll do it!" and even worse:  "You two DO know that you have to have sex, right?"
  • I've been TTC for just over 3yrs now and a coworker who tried for 6 months before conceiving her 2nd told me...."I know how you feel".....How insulting!
  • During my brother's engagement in February, my "future sister in law" asked me when was I going to have a baby.  I made the mistake of telling her that my husband and I finally decided we would start trying. During her bridal shower in June and several other family get togethers, relatives asked me the dreaded questions, "Are you pregnant yet?" When are you going to have a baby?" What are you waiting for?" etc. My response "We're trying now."  Well my "sister in law" not once, but several times, has jumped in and said "Oh she's been saying that for months. I'm probably going to have a baby before she does." AARRRGGGGHHHH I finally went off on her the last time she made this comment.  
  • How about hearing from a nun, "Maybe you're trying too hard?" I teach in a Catholic school and the nun who is our librarian said this to me recently, knowing I suffered a miscarriage nearly two years ago and haven't gotten pregnant since. 
  • Hello! The worst thing that has happened, of course, comes from my mother-in-law. My husband's niece (not married, boyfriend is a thug) already has one son by this guy and the MIL called to tell me that she is pregnant again, but not to tell anybody. As if I was the only person who needed/wanted to know. So what was I supposed to do? Act happy that she is pregnant with a child that won't know a normal home life? Yeah, that makes dh and I would love and care for a child but we can't seem to get it right. At least, that's what everybody says..."You must not be doing something right". 
  • My dear sister-in-law saying "We hope you get pg soon. We want to start trying ourselves, but we want you to get pg first. After all my brother is the oldest child in our family. He should have the first grandbaby." Does she not think we are really trying????????
  • A few of the other moms (with 3 or more kids) at my DS's preschool have looked at me in ignorant envy and said "Sometimes I wish we only had one child". 
  • I have a 3 year old a DS and have been ttc #2 for over a year.  Strangers say, "Don't you want to give your little guy a sister or brother to play with?  You don't want them too far apart in age or they'll have nothing in common." Some day I'll get up the nerve to say "What makes you think I don't cry my eyes out every month I'm not pregnant because I want another more than anything in the whole world!"
  • Here are my favorites: I heard from my dear mother-in-law "Doctors don't know what they are doing, if they say you can you won't, if they say you can't you will!!!" also from her "Maybe your one of 'those people' who shouldn't have children" followed by "this is God's way of telling you" (we will not talk about the tears that followed that one)
  • From brother: Mom had no problem having us, and I have a son, I don't see what's stopping you!!! 
  • From "17" year old pregnant sister:  "I don't know what to tell you , we dtd (Did The Dance) and everything worked out for us ok."  Also from her, keep in mind she's 17, "At least YOU still can wear a bathing suit, and you don't have to worry about the whole giving birth thing!!!!". 
  • And from friends: "Everything happens for a reason, or doesn't.  Come over my house for a day and watch my beautiful newborn son, and you will change your mind real quick! "  Well I don't think you should have kids anyway" 

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