I think the one thing that we who have miscarried
have in common, is we want to hear success stories
from women who have experienced miscarriage.
People tell us we should be happy we conceived...
what we really want to hear is that
we will have a future successful pregnancy.

Thanks Momma Kath for your love and attention to the needs of
the women who frequent this site.

love,

Andrea

Posted by: LizP edd 3/9/01

I first got pg in late January of 2000 after 8 cycles of trying.
I had one beta, and one appointment with the NP at 6 weeks.
Everything seemed fine then.
My bbs were getting really huge,
and that was really my only symptom.
NO m/s, but neither of my sisters had any m/s,
so I didn't worry about it.
We were so thrilled.
We told our families and close friends at 8 weeks.
My next appt was at 11w3d.
I went in, and the dr tried to find the heartbeat.
Nothing.
I didn't worry, b/c the dr said that my uterus
was tipped, and its hard to find them that way.
They scheduled me for a u/s that day.
It was a technician who did the u/s,
and she tried to find something from the outside,
but finally did an internal, and said
"Do you want me to tell you what I see, good or bad?"
We said yes (dh was there - thank GOD) and she said,
there's no baby here.
There is just a pole and a sac measuring about 6 1/2 weeks.
Needless to say we were devastated, and I wanted a D&C right away.
I needed it to be done and over with.
Truthfully, they never even mentioned the drug options,
though I knew what they were.
2 days later I had the D&C.
It was April 6. I managed to tell my mother, and
made her tell everyone else. I didn't want to deal with it.
My boss knew, so I had to tell him,
and I took the rest of the week off of work.
I told the board I was leaving,
and told Momma Kath to take me off the ticker.
I was miserable. I bled for about 11 days.
I thought, that's it, I'm 36,
and I'll need to have major medical intervention
to have a successful pg.

5 1/2 weeks later, af arrived.
The dr had said to wait 2 cycles to try and
get pg again, but didn't really say why.
I, of course, ignored this advice
as I wanted to be pregnant again as soon as possible.
The next cycle, I did 1500 mgs of EPO a day,
since I had gotten pg using EPO before.
No go, though. My cycle had returned to
its normal 28 days, and I O on cd16.
By this time I was also concerned about the
weight I had gained and my bbs,
both seemed to want to hang on.
Nothing I could do was making either of them go away.
The following cycle I upped my EPO to 3000 mgs a day
(same as first pg) and this time, it worked.
(My weight and bbs had also returned to
normal by this time.) We found out on July 5
that my beta was positive.
I had made them do a quantitative,
and it was 228 at 17 dpo, progesterone at 19.7.
I also made them repeat it 2 days later.
They didn't really like this idea,
since they didn't usually do this, but I was
insistent.
Second beta: 704.
I was a bit relieved, but cautious -
I had been fooled before.
I refused to get excited, and didn't tell anyone but dh.
I insisted on a u/s early,
and got one at 7 weeks.
There was a heartbeat, but I wasn't going to get excited -
I had been fooled before.
I did have some m/s this time, mild, but definitely there.
That helped me feel better about the whole thing.
Due to a big ovary, I got another u/s at 9 weeks.
Still a blob with a heartbeat,
but I wasn't going to get too excited. Not yet.
My next dr appt was at 12w4d.
This was the big test. The dr pulled out that
doppler and I held my breath.
She couldn't find the heartbeat and I think my
own heart stopped beating. Finally, she got it.
A loud, fast whooshing sound.
O MY GOD!
I think my heart burst out of my chest.
I had no realization of how much I was holding things in.
I am now safely to my second trimester,
and for the first time, I believe I'm going to have a
baby this time. It's only starting to sink in now.

I am feeling much more in control this time around,
since I am not accepting the nurses and doctors saying
"You don't need that" or "that's normal".
From my own research and the wonderful women on this site,
I feel sometimes I know more than the medical personnel,
and you have to take charge of your own medical care.
For anyone who's miscarried, I know the pain and despair,
and even though it's hard, try not to give up hope.
For all the women here, and Momma Kath,
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your support.

LizP

Shattered Dreams
© By Lisa Richardson

The waters of life
Cascade like shattered dreams
Into rivers of crystal
My emotions take flight
As my soul soars towards the heavens
Carrying pain and regret
Far from their mortal existence
Hopes and dreams
No longer like a beacon before me
They scatter to the winds
Blowing furiously around me
I look towards the future
As l leave behind the past
Only to discover
A mirror image of
Shattered dreams

My Story:
I miscarried our first child in May 1998.
I hadn't even realized I was 2 weeks late for af
because I'd been so stressed at work.
When I did realize it, I tested right away.
I went to the dr 3 days later and all looked good.
That night I started spotting.
I had been cramping but they said it was normal.
2 days later they did a u/s and nothing, no sac,
no anything except the cyst on my ovary.
He said I had mc'd and sent me home with no information.
I called my family dr right away and she walked me through what to expect.
I continued to spot for another week as the cramps became increasingly worse.
Finally, a week or so after finding out we had mc'd I started to bleed.
I was devastated and not even sure how to grieve as I had never lost anyone
that close to me before. I named her Lily and wrote a poem for her.
I found a chat board of women who had mc'd and that helped a lot.
A year after losing her I found my husband bawling on the couch.
He said he missed Lily. It was the first and only time he
showed that kind of grief. He just grieved so differently from me.
I don't know when it happened but at some point,
remembering Lily became a joy,
not a sorrow. I love my baby in Heaven and look
forward to the day when I can look in her face and hold her in my arms.
I do many things to remember her-plant lilies in the flower beds,
by a special something every May, wear an emerald ring that dh got me
in rememberance of her, give gifts every Christmas in her name, etc.
I find that keeping the memory of her alive helps my healing.
I now am co-leading a support group for pregnancy loss
and it is a bittersweet experience. I am glad that
God gave me that desire and it helps me feel like
I'm doing something worthwhile for the loss of my baby.
It took us 2 years to conceive after losing her.
As I write this I am 17 weeks.
I never knew how hard it would be to be pg after losing one.
I've spotted most of my pg and that's made it worse.
Every twinge, every pain, every new symptom brings on a wave of fear.
But, I try to remember that God is my protector and He is watching
out for me and this new baby. He has been my source of peace.
I am blessed to have a babybeat to hear my baby's heartbeat
every day and that has given me the physical reassurance I need,
especially on the tough days. Sometimes I regret finding out
I was pg 5 days before af was due because it was 5 more days of worry.
But, it was also 5 more days to cherish my child and that
is more important than any discomfort I may have.
If you've lost a child and I struggling to conceive again,
don't lose hope. It took me 2 years that seemed like forever.
Sometimes it doesn't seem like it but God's timing is perfect.
I thank Him for both of my children!

SaraT

My book recommendations are:

I'll Hold you in Heaven	Empty Arms
Empty Arms	Deeper Shade of Grace

>
I would really appreciate it if my miscarriage
experience could be posted on the miscarriage page.
I tried a new med to induce my missed miscarriage
and it worked very well. If I could have my story
up there it may help others going through the same
experience that I did. I almost had to have a D&C
because it wasn't happening naturally. I did not
know about this other option until I started to do
some research on my own. If this is too long, send
it back and I'll edit it down.

Here is my experience:

I found out that I was pg in Aug 00 after ttc
for over a year and after two rounds of clomid. I
was very excited and even had to cancel my first re
appointment that was going to be the end of Aug.

At 5 1/2 weeks while on a camping trip with my
dh I started bleeding bight red (enough to fill a
panty liner). I phoned my dr and went home. She
ordered an u/s and everything looked great. There
was a fetal pole, a heartbeat, and everything
measured out to be the right age. We were so happy.
Then two days after the u/s I had another bleed. I
went back to the dr and she said she would order
another u/s but not until 10 weeks because I had
just had one and it came back fine. I had little
bleeds once a week until I was 9 weeks and then they
stopped. When I went for my u/s at 10 weeks I
brought dh to see because it was going to be so
wonderful to see our little angel. I knew something
was wrong when the tech stopped talking to me,
erased the screen and went out "to develop the
pictures". She returned with a dr and he told me
that the u/s had showed nothing. The baby had died
at about 6 weeks according to the size of the
gestational sac. I was sent to my dr. (Thank God dh
was with me). My dr explained that I had had a
missed miscarriage and that I had two options, wait
to let the m/c start naturally or have a D&C. I
said that I would rather wait and have it happen
naturally so that we could start to ttc right away
rather then wait the three months she recommended
after a D&C.

I went home and started to do some research on
the internet about missed miscarriages. Everything
I read recommended a D&C because missed m/c don't
always start on there own. My body had been holding
on to this one for 4 weeks with no sign of cramping
or bleeding at all. I read about a meth shot and
decided to go back to my dr after the weekend and
ask about this new opion. When I saw my dr and
asked about this other option she said it rang a
bell. She went and got a sheet of paper that was
sent to her from another dr looking for test
subjects that had had a missed m/c and had not had
any cramping or bleeding. She sent me to see this
new dr.

The new dr was conducting a study on a new
medication being used to cause m/c to start when the
body had not started them. The medication is called
Cytotec (generic name Misoprostol) and has been
around for a while used for other things, but when
placed vaginally, it has been found to cause uterine
contractions that will cause m/c. He placed 4
tablets vaginally and sent me home with instructions
on when to go to the ER if things are going wrong,
and that I was NOT to be alone for the night.
Within 1/2 hour I started to bleed. Three hours
later the cramps were bad so I took the tylenol 3
that was prescribed. I did throw up a few times (a
side effect of the Cytotec) but 12 hours later I had
passed the mass. After that the bleeding and
cramping subsided. The next morning I was very
tired but everything else felt fine. I went back to
the dr and he said that the mass was the right size,
my cervix was closed and my uterus was tiny again.
In his opinion, I had m/c all of it. I have to wait
one cycle before ttc again and I have to go for a pg
test in three weeks to make sure that it is all gone
but I am confident that I did pass all of it.

I would recommend this to anyone going through
the same situation. It is easier then waiting and
less traumatic for your body then a D&C or a meth
shot. I don't know how many cities across North
America are using this medication but it is
definitely worth asking about if you find yourself
in this situation.