Wednesday, 6 October 1999, at 8:07 a.m.
Posted By: Lorie, cd6,TTC#1, cyc5

My DH is very upset with
how obsessed I have become with TTC #1.
What should I do?
He makes it sound like I am not normal or something!
I can't help but talk about what my body is doing
from day to day and what it might or might not mean.
He said that it's impossible for me
to have a conversation
without talking about TTC!
He also said that he feels that our BDing
is getting so mechanical! He knows that when we have to
BD we HAVE to BD and I know he wants a baby too,
but what to do?
I was so upset last night because I don't
know what the answer is.
How does everyone else keep it fresh and new?
Maybe I need advise from the Sl*t club?!
Sorry for the long vent. +++++
Lorie

He is FINALLY beginning to understand
what I have been knowing all along....
He, like most men, seemed to think that
it would just eventually happen.
Eleven years of ttc has now shown him
that this is not the case and he's going
"into the shop" for his own round of testing....
by Jove, we may finally make a baby!....
or at least have a chance at it!

I agree with what the others say....
Let him think that BD is spontaneous
and that you are just more amorous
on some days than others.
If he's like mine, he doesn't
keep track of the days/weeks
and will just be caught up in your "desires".
I leave all the obsessing
for here and for a couple of RT friends
I have who understand it all.

Only eight years of TTC#1 experience here..
1. Don't tell him about the inner
goings on of your body every day.
2. Leave your copy of TCOYF in the bathroom...
I swear if I want DH to read something
I don't bug him about it,
I just "accidently" leave it in the loo.
3. Leave your copy of Dr. Richard Marrs' Fertility Book
in the bathroom...say reason as #2.
4. Make a game out of BDing...for me it's berets,
but whatever works for you.
5. Do not obsess with your DH...
only obsess here with your TTC sisters. :-)

Hope this helps!
-Kiki

Lorie, I know exactly where you are.
At about the same point in our ttcing attempts,
we were talking about ttcing way too much,
sex was getting really boring. In our situation,
we were also stressed out by other stuff
so that did not help.
what did we do?
How did it change?
We realized that our sex was not
as exciting or as satisfying, really!
Realizing it and then changing
it are different ballgames.
It has taken us a few months
but I have to say that the last couple
of months we are back to lovemaking
and not babymaking exclusively.
I am not sure how we did it.
I know we are taking more time with each other,
doing things we enjoy together outside of ttcing...

Also, I don't really tell DH
what my body is doing on a specific day.
He does not need to know about the chemical reactions
that are taking place in my body.
that is too clinical for him
and does really distract from
lovemaking per se.
So just keep that to yourself
or share with your buddies on the board.
Let him think that you are making love
because you want him and you should!

Boy that was long. hope it helps.
there is not one solution but rather a variety of things
for you to try out to make this process
more fun and exciting than boring.

Good luck with all this, it is not easy!
Laura B.

Hang in there, Lorie.
It was worse for us right around the 5/6th cycle,
but then eased up.
Really! Those were the worst months.
Tell dh to hang in there with you,
you will get tired of obsessing soon and
will get a sense of reality.
I really believe that. it is still hard,
especially when AF arrives each month,
but it's kind of like you get used to it
(as the months go by)
and you learn how to handle it better.
then POW! you will be pg
and laugh at how you acted!
Hang in there.
Maybe let up a little as far as
talking about it with dh around.
Vent here instead!
+++++thoughts to you!

Katiep

My advise as I have gone through
the same thing...(babbling).
I try my hardest not to tell dh anything related to ttc.
He knows when we need to bd, and how upset I get
without telling him.
We had this conversation as well
and he basically told me the same thing.
So I have been trying really hard and
I use this board when I need to vent,
ask questions, read some news etc.
It has helped a great deal
and dh doesn't seem to say anything
when I tell him it is time to have sex.
He thinks it isn't happening because
I am obsessed and I should just relax.
Anyway, to keep it fresh we try not to bd in the
bedroom all the time and we bd before and after o
I think that is really important
to dh's then they feel better
that we want them after O as well.
I know it is hard to bd after O
but we all have to make comprises
and this is one.
Things are much better know,
although dh stills knows everything
I just don't talk about it all the time .
Good luck

Cheers;)
Cindy (aka:ttcbaby) cd28/28-30 11-12dpo 98.7
- I want to test

I'm old, so by definition I am required to give advice.
Here it is. There are 2 ways you can go with this:
1) Get DH involved in the process.
Sit down and really talk to him--unemotionally�
about how the cycle works,
what you're looking for when you temp,
why timing is so important,
why women tend to whack out at predictable
times in month.
Show him a chart and teach him how to read it.
Getting more involved makes him feel like he's
more than a walking sperm bank.
To know all it to forgive all.
2) Keep all your ttc obsession on the board.
Some DHs are happily ignorant of the whole process
and think it's just their animal magnetism
that makes you jump them at certain times of the month.
I don't know about you,
but I AM more horney right before O,
so it goes to reason that I'd be more,
um, aggressive at that time.
I do a combination.
I had the talk,
and DH was really fascinated
and asked some good questions.
He learned a lot about BOTH our roles in process.
But since the talk,
I don't discuss ttc unless he brings it up.
Occasionally he'll ask about my temps.
We've also spiced things up in the bedroom
to keep it interesting.
So all in all, ttc can be a great time for both of you.
Lizzy

I was so happy when I found out I was not
alone in having trouble with DH and BD,
& in my methods.

I am 34, so I feel the need not to
waste time in just letting it happen.
So, I also "had the talk" with DH ,
and let him know how my cycle works
and how long his swimmers live etc.
He acted like he knew all this stuff,
but I know he didn�t.
Since then, basically
I keep him in the dark about my cycle,
except he knows within a 7-10 days when I will O.
He travels a lot, and I try to "book"
him to be home around that time.
I also try to BD consistently throughout my cycle
so there is not such a change around O .
This helps with keeping the performance stress
lower too.
So he is aware, but I definitely don�t let him
know all that goes on in my head.
LynnP

Lorie, you are perfectly normal!
It just takes DH's a little longer to realize...
that we need to discuss ttc with them,
because they are involved in the whole thing, too!
Mine has finally quit telling me to stop obsessing,
and lets me tell him about my CM,
temps and symptoms without
making me feel like I'm nuts.

As for keeping things fresh and new between you,
here's what we do:
I have an assortment of lingerie that only
comes out the week before O,
so DH looks forward to when I come strutting out in one.
We both know that the sex has to happen,
but it just seems like it's more for fun when I
"dress for the occasion." LOL
We also try to do nice things for each other
and have special nights that don't necessarily
begin or end w/sex. Every once in a while,
I'll surprise him with "massage night."
this is really just a ploy for me to get a back rub,
but he's much more willing when he gets one first. :-)
Just remember that your DH is the most
important person to you
and the reason you guys want a baby
is because you love each other so much.++++++ to you!
DianeTX

Lorie...
I know exactly what you are saying,
and I understand where you are coming from,
BUT your DH is right. We as woman don�t realize
that we do it half the time, but TTC becomes our life,
in what we talk about, how we act,
and we sometimes even base our day to day on it.
So you can see how DH can sometimes feel "Left Out"
or plain ol' worn out from it.

I keep a journal next to my bed,
and I try to write in it everyday, my cycles,
what I am feeling, what my body is doing..etc...
My Dh is to the point where he knows pretty much
where I am in my cycle, and he will ask how I am
doing or feeling...but I try not to get it to the point
where it is the topic of our everyday conversation.

As for spicing things up,
try to focus on the "Lovemaking" part,
not so much the babymaking-
I know that its hard, but really.
Try to even have more sex on the times
that are not "O" zone and have fun with it!!
Or when you are in your zone, try candles,
or bubble baths, or showers, nice dinners,
that sort of thing..
Tease him a little, leave him sexy love notes...
you get the idea!!
Dee

Lorie, I'm sorry that things are not
going so well with that right now.
I don't usually talk about
that stuff all that much with DH.
I just think about it and stuff.
Sometimes I do talk about it to DH,
but not that often. I try not to
think about it myself all that much,
because I get so easily obsessed! :)
I'm not sure what you should do,
but you can always talk to us about it a lot!
Ariane

Berets and candles and feather boas and
whatever else works to make it all fun
not just for him but for you too.
I'd like to be able to remember all the good stuff
before the baby comes too....*w*....Ya know...
Bo Derek changed Ravel's Bolero from a boring piece of
classical music to an "inspirational" one...

If you haven't tried this approach to
music appreciation 101,
you really should!

TerriTX
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My husband and I enjoy "playing".
Sometimes it is difficult to keep the flame
burning long enough to really get the "juices" flowing.

I take the Monopoly game up into the bedroom,
or where ever else. And we dole out the property.
This way we can get right to business.
About 50% of the places you land on is owned by DH.
And vice versa, he lands on yours.
Instead of outright paying rent we play with an option.
For instance, Dh lands on Park Place and
can either pay $250.00 rent or...kiss me from head to toe.
His choice.
We can get kinky and have alot of fun.
It generally starts with the options being rent or rub my feet.
Dh knows I hate rubbing feet so I will pay until I am broke....
then when I am out of money DH asks for what he "really" wants.
Sometimes it helps if I hide some of my money
so we can get to the good stuff right away.

Because you know how long Monopoly can last.
We try other variations like starting off naked or doling out
a large amount of money so as to buy hotels.
This makes the options very interesting indeed.
We have tried "playing" other games
but Monopoly seems to be the best.
I think Milton Bradley would be shocked.

Keep it light and fun always....
you can never go wrong with a little laughter.

Good Luck to All
Sylvia and Bruce

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Subject: The 2 sec calls

My DH calls me every day to tell me that he loves me, this only lasts for about 5 sec with just a hint of mischief
....he says for later when we get home.

Althea

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We had been trying to get pg for a year
and DH was starting (starting???)
to get really upset that it wasn't fun anymore.
Every month I was whirling around
in my own flight pattern toward conception,
and he felt like all I needed from him was his sperm.
I had to admit that it was losing its appeal,
but I would never have agreed to miss a potential opportunity to get pg.
So every cycle we went through the same build up to EW and O,
and DH was getting angrier and angrier.

The month we conceived, May 1999,
was the first month we consciously tried to do things differently.

I still temped and checked CM and CP,
but DH went on a business trip that week
and wasn't around to feel the "build up" toward O.
The day before O, DH came home from his trip and we met
at our house at lunch time. I had bought picnic food
for lunch that day, and we camped out in the kitchen eating
all our favorite foods and sipping on wine. I also put on
my sexiest black nightgown and we were both really relaxed.

That afternoon is probably when we conceived.
The lunch beforehand and the general lighthearted approach
to dtd that day helped DH immensely.
Where as in prior months we were quickly getting in bd'ing before bed,
or before his kids came over, or before going to work,
this month we had time to enjoy it and relax.
DH didn't have any anxiety over his performance
or whether we had hit O.
And he probably had the best quality little guys ever!

He also had a trip to the urologist scheduled the next week,
and maybe his performance and my ultimate conception had
more to do with his intense desire to avoid the doctor!

Alison

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Subject: keeping love alive and kickin'!!

I know it is hard while ttc'ing to keep "making love"
exciting because of bding on demand at times and all the pressure.
A couple things that I have done to keep the romance in the air are:
Filled the bathroom with candles, all lights off,
ran a bubble bath while dh was watching T.V....
it was a huge surprise to him and when the two of us
slipped in the bubbles...well.. it worked magic!

Dh and I were getting in the car to go out to dinner.
I told him I had to run in real quick and when I did,
I had about 4 roses hidden. I took all the petals off
and placed them all over the bed, with candles ready to light..
when we got home... he was stunned.. and again, worked magic.

We had to go out of town and I called ahead at the hotel
we were staying at and had them put champagne and strawberries in our room.
We sat there and fed each other stawberries and drank champagne and talked,
I drank one glass and dh finished off the bottle... definitely worked magic...lol

One more.... when I am not in the mood for bding, I lock myself in my
bathroom and go through all of my sexy nighties and teddies and pick one out,
slip it on and do a little primping. Getting ready makes all the nervous
energy start flowing and to see the reaction on your dh's face is
extremely flattering.
I think it is truely important to keep the love and romance alive while ttc'ing.
In my opinion, we are attempting to create a product of the love between our dh's and us.

Here's to working magic ladies!!

Kristie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Subject: How to keep the spark sparking!
DH and I have this great thing that we do...

We start off by lighting candles,
turning on good music, and spraying
the sheets with linen spray that we buy at Bath & Bodyworks.

Then, we do what most would call "Tantric Sex."
We touch each other for a long, long time,
staying away from the obvious good spots.
Actually, we found that we had a lot more "good spots" than we thought!

After we pet and pet we gently move into the good stuff,
and try to make it last for a long, long time.
We play for over an hour sometimes more before
moving on to the next step.
Sometimes we even start with a warm up shower.
By the time we get to the "act" we are so into it...
we both become animals.

Then, afterwards, we spend a lot of time cuddling and hugging and kissing.

Then, we sleep all night long.

We actually save this act for the ovulation time,
just to make sure that it all works out fine.
Also, it keeps us from getting too bored with this act.

It's a mating ritual for sure!

Tiffany

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Subject: Keeping BDing Fun

Hi,
My dh and I have had a rough year and a half, he was working out of town shift-work so only home on his days off, so we missed quite a few O days. He was then transferred to a closer area and we moved there. He now is home every day. We are the best of friends and keep each other motivated which I feel is very important.

We have just moved to a new house so right now we keep our bding alive by "christening" the rooms - last month was the games room he grabbed me and put me up on the pool table - Yahoooo!!

We try not to dtd in the bedroom all the time - when o time it is to stressful because that is all you think about. I think "spur of the moment" is a very important factor to keeping the sparks alive.

Good Luck to all Cindy (aka:ttcbaby)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My hubby and I have only been ttc for 2 months now, but we already had the unfortunate occurrence of some "performance anxiety" on his part one night this cycle...too much pressure. Poor guy.
It was definitely my fault, as I've been a woman obsessed ever since we decided to start trying, and have been telling him waaaay too much information about my temps, my cervical mucus, my cervix position, etc.
All the fun was very quickly disappearing from our bding. I decided right then and there it was time for a change, or it was only going to get worse! So, after soothing his bruised ego
(and comforting his stressed-out "little guy" to no avail-ha ha),
I got up and went about the day as if it was no big deal,
even though inside I was thinking how terrible the timing was for him to go soft on me (sorry!),
since it was the day of ovulation--or so I thought......

Here's the good part, and I hope a good suggestion for keeping it fun: the next day, to make up for my "task master" behavior and let him know I didn't care about our little mishap, I went to a nice hotel only a few blocks from our house, made reservations, and went up to the room. I brought a bottle of wine and two glasses ready, filled the ice bucket up for chilly pleasures, and laid out plenty of sexy little finger foods that we could feed one another, like in 9-1/2 Weeks
(only I'm no Kim Basinger. Oh well.)
When he got home from work, there was a message on the machine from me,
calling from the hotel, telling him where to go and what room to ask for. I was only there alone for about an hour before he arrived, which was just enough time to set things up and get myself dressed (barely) and "in the mood".
I wish I'd had a camera to take a picture of his face when he walked in--he was like a kid in a candy store, and the best part is that he thought it had nothing to do with making a baby, since I'd told him it was already too late (I thought it was)! It turns out that I was actually ovulating THAT DAY--
I got the temperature rise this morning. Yes, this all happened last night, and I can only hope that the passion we shared, and the laughs too, result in a bundle of joy. But if not, at least we have a great memory to look back on!
It was well worth the cost of the room, and we even got a free breakfast in the deal too! In the future, I need to remember not to give him minute-by-minute updates on what my body is doing. It makes him feel like a sperm-providing robot instead of a horny husband. That's my story--I hope it works for someone else out there, too!
B.C., TTC#1, 2nd cycle, 1dpo